MY BATTLE WITH ANXIETY!

A close friend once asked me, “What’s it like to struggle with anxiety?” “Is it just like having butterflies in your stomach?” I said, “I wish it were that simple.” Every morning, I open my eyes to the reality of a war going on inside of me. My brain is the soldier. My heart is the commander in chief, and my soul, the ultimate ally. Irrational thoughts are the enemy and pose a significant threat to my environment, safety, and well-being. 

I wake up not knowing who will win each day, but I make sure to do everything I can to give my brain whatever it needs to fight. I didn’t always know how to prepare for battle. Because of that, I ended up in the hospital a few times. I didn’t understand what I was fighting, but I do now, and I want to share my story with you.

The majority of people don’t know what anxiety is or how it can lead to depression. People will often mistake it for nervousness. That’s definitely part of it, but it’s deeper than that. Most of us get nervous right before a public speaking engagement, a big test, presentation, interview, or competition. 

For a split second, it feels like you’re about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. You take a deep breath, reassure yourself, complete your task, and then you’re back to feeling normal, but imagine feeling that way all day, every day, for the rest of your life, and you can’t control it. 

What if you had rapid heart rate, shortness of breath, sweating, stomach pains, nausea, trouble swallowing, shaking, and faintness every day, how would you feel? Would you be happy? Would you be able to go about your day like nothing was wrong? When you can’t control your thoughts, emotions, and feelings, that is when panic begins. That is how anxiety attacks and depression settles in. A person with a severe anxiety disorder is in constant worry and fear. Peace doesn’t exist.

I struggle with OCD anxiety in the form of intrusive thoughts. Most of the time, they are horrible, scary thoughts. For example, if I am driving near a cliff, I might imagine myself driving off the cliff. Once the thought runs through my mind, I can’t shake it. It plays on repeat like a broken record. I start to panic. I think things such as, am I suicidal? Why did I think about driving off a cliff? Is there something wrong with me? 

These questions then transition to imagining slitting my wrists, hanging myself, or killing myself in other ways. Every human has irrational thoughts. Most can process them and let them pass quickly. People who struggle with OCD anxiety disorder can’t. Each grim thought transforms into another grim thought. It’s like a virus that multiplies with no cure. 

Am I suicidal? No, but I can scare myself into thinking I am. This is how I ended up in the hospital with my first panic attack. I did not want to die, but I kept picturing myself dying. My body couldn’t handle all the fear imposed on it. I was nervous, scared, and crying every day. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I became depressed and felt like I was in a bad recurring nightmare. This stage of my life is challenging to write about because it’s the most triggering. It’s been almost ten years since I had my first panic attack, and even though I feel better now, I can’t help but cry when I think about how helpless and hopeless I felt. 

I checked myself into the hospital twice. The first time they sent me home with Ativan. I had never taken that drug before. It calmed my heart rate down and took care of the physical affects of my anxiety, but it didn’t make the thoughts go away. A week later, I was back in the hospital, but this time, I asked to stay. I was desperate to know what was wrong with me. 

When I was in the hospital the second time, I spoke to a psychiatrist. He explained what I had was severe anxiety. I was shocked to hear that’s all it was, but I still didn’t understand the beast I was dealing with. I like everyone else, thought anxiety was just butterflies in my stomach. He recommended I stop taking the Ativan and not take any other medications. He said taking medication would be like masking a monster. The reality was, the struggle to control my anxiety would be hard. Still, he believed I could do it without medication.

He recommended I read the book When Panic Attacks by Dr. David D.Burns. This book was my lifesaver. It educated me on anxiety, how it works, and how to combat it. I also discovered the Linden Method, which was a Godsend! Charles Linden’s story and struggle with anxiety was comforting to me because I found I wasn’t alone. There are thousands of people who are just like me and maybe you too. His tips are what got me through the worst parts of my struggle. These two men equipped me with the armor and weapons I needed for my battle with anxiety.

The past ten years have been up and down. Is my anxiety gone? No, it’s not. I wish it would go away completely, but that’s not how life works. Trust me, I’ve prayed for God to work a miracle and cleanse my brain of every horrible thought. Controlling your thoughts is possible, but it’s one of the hardest things to master. The good thing is, I know what I am dealing with now. I’ve educated myself, I’ve gone to therapy and have learned how to take care of my body and listen to what it needs. 

My faith has definitely been tested. It’s normal to question why God allows certain things to happen in our life. I think of myself as lucky that God chose me to share my story with you. If my battle is meant to give someone else hope, then everything I’ve gone through is worth it. My rock, my confidant, my cheerleader, and my best friend through all of this has been Jesus. Without Him, I wouldn’t have the strength to share my story. 

If you struggle with anxiety, you are not alone. You’ve found a safe place here. I want you to know you’re going to be okay. Always remember you have a purpose, and your story matters. You are a gift to this world. Whoever your God is, tap into the love, light, and energy he/she provides. I want to leave you with this passage from The Mirror Study Bible by Francios Du Tois.

“Every invention begins with an original thought. You are God’s original thought. You are his initiative, the fruit of his creative inspiration, his intimate design and love-dream.” “God had you in mind from the beginning. You are his work of art; his poem. Ephesians 2:10.” 

Below are a few tips I’ve learned that have helped me. Please note, I am in no way a medical professional. These are just things that have proven to help me. You should always do your own research and seek medical advice whenever you aren’t sure of something. 

My Tips for Managing My Anxiety 

1. Learn how to breathe correctly! Breathing is the number one most important thing for me. Taking deep breaths relaxes the body and allows you to reset your brain. If you notice when you’re scared or start to panic, you stop breathing. Download the Calm application to learn how to breathe properly or take up some online yoga classes.

2. Build out a daily schedule for yourself and stick to it.

3. Find a creative hobby. Writing is mine. What’s your passion or gift? We all have one. Work on exercising that part of your brain. Make it a part of your daily schedule.

4. Exercise at least 30 minutes daily and stay hydrated. Drinking water helps tremendously. Click Here to see how much water you should be drinking a day.

5. Eat a healthy, macronutrient dense, whole foods-based diet. Often times, when we feel lethargic, we feel depressed. Eating the right foods boosts our energy and balances our blood sugar levels and hormones. 

6. TAKE YOUR VITAMINS. Omega-3 fatty acids, Vitamin D3 and B12, are known to help people battle depression, mood disorders, and promote healthy nervous systems. I personally swear by them, and feel taking them along with eating well, has helped me feel so much better. Below are the ones I take. 

   • New Chapter WholeMega Tiny Caps - I take 4 daily 

   • Natures Bounty Vitamin D3 - I take 1 daily 

   • Solgar Vitamin B12 - I take 1 daily 

7. I typically don’t talk about or research anything about my intrusive thoughts anymore. I know not everyone will agree with this, but I learned this from the Linden method, and it works! When I give my thoughts life, they linger longer than I want them to. I understand needing reassurance from people to let you know you’re okay and nothing terrible is going to happen. Still, for me, I’ve learned to let my thoughts pass. Keeping myself on a schedule and focusing on my overall wellness is what I want my brain to focus on. 

8. Therapy is great to talk about some of the traumas that have caused your anxiety. It’s good to acknowledge them and work through them. However, I found going to therapy to specifically talk about my irrational thoughts, was making them worse. I was keeping them on the surface. So for me, therapy isn’t useful for my anxiety. If you find it helpful, that is amazing! Do whatever works for you! 

9. Be realistic with your battle. It won’t change overnight, but it will get better in time. Be patient, and make the changes you need to see results.

IF WE DO NOTHING, THEN WE ARE NOTHING!

One of my favorite movies of all time is Blood in Blood Out. If you’re Chicanx or you’re married to a Chicanx then you’ve definitely seen the movie! It’s a cult classic and staple within the Chicanx community that touches on the heart, soul and true meaning of our beautiful culture, familia and what it actually means to identify as Chicanx. 

I never get sick of watching that movie. It’s nostalgic for me and to this day, it moves me every time I watch it. Yes, it’s a badass cholo movie, but it’s also more than that! The cinematography, writing and acting are absolutely impeccable. 

I’m passionate about the power of words and the ability they have to create change and invoke emotions in people they never knew they had. Jimmy Santiago Baca wrote the screenplay for Blood in Blood Out. There are so many lessons in this movie that Jimmy brings to light and it’s important for us to not let them go unnoticed. 

If you haven’t already done so, read Jimmy’s poems they are truly magical. Here is one of my favorites. His writing takes me into another realm. It opens doors for me I never knew were there and reveals telltale secrets of dreams I never knew existed within myself. Next time you watch the movie pay attention to the words, their meanings and how flawless and poetic the script is at certain moments. If you’ve never seen the movie, watch it! You’re missing out. 

As I enter into this space as a blogger, I can’t stop thinking about how I can use my voice to help others in need, especially within the Chicanx/Latinx community. There will always be a time for recipes, fashion and beauty tutorials, but what about the real stuff happening in this world? Of course we see a ton of posts on Twitter, FB and Insta (-) all bad news mostly about the current state of the world. It can be so overwhelming that sometimes we compartmentalize the true reality of the world we live in. 

We forget there are farmworkers still being underpaid, in poor working conditions and struggling to take care of their own families, while they continue to feed ours. We have slowly forgotten there are migrant children stuck in cages at our borders. We forget there are animals in captivity quarantined just like you and I are right now, but for life. Only they don’t have a choice or a voice. My Chicanx/Latinx familia, I have a pet peeve and because I am a person who is honest and direct I have a question to ask you. When was the last time you actually did something to help our community? 

My number one peeve is when we become keyboard warriors trolling everyone in sight including each other! We are online activists who talk a lot of shit and fight for what we believe in via our Twitter fingers. I say we, because I am guilty of doing this too. I see something I don’t like...I comment, I repost, I yell, kick and scream about culture vultures, racism and the unjust treatment of our people. However, the question I recently asked myself is, “what have you done lately to contribute to the betterment, preservation and wellness of our community and culture?” The answer is, not enough. 

Which brings me back to Blood In Blood Out. We all remember the very intense scene when Cruzito is in the hospital after being beaten so badly by a rival neighborhood gang. Everyone is in tears as the doctor comes out frantically to communicate the unknown state of his condition. Will he live or die? Paco, Cruzito’s brother and in my opinion the baddest cholo of all time, is pacing back and forth in anguish and anger plotting revenge against those who hurt his brother. 

All of the Vatos Locos homies are outside. Their Hearts pumping with fury and guns in hand willing to do whatever it takes to avenge Cruzito and impatiently waiting for Paco’s instructions on how to do it. Paco’s mom Dolores, witnesses the discussion of planning their attack and lashes out telling them they’re idiots and are just fighting themselves. Raza fighting against Raza.

This is a very powerful scene because it brings to life the reality and vicious cycle that still haunts our communities...we kill each other. Paco, vehemently refuses to take his mom’s advice and tells her, “If we do nothing, then we are nothing!” Whoa...that line shook me to the core. He was right, but so was she.

If we do nothing, then we are nothing. Take a few minutes to let that line sink in. What does that mean to you? In the movie retaliation only led to worse circumstances for everyone. Some might agree there was no other choice, but to retaliate. I don’t disagree with that, because I understand street life and in some cases there really is no choice. However, it got me thinking a lot about retaliation and how we are still like Dolores said, fighting ourselves and choosing the wrong way to retaliate.

We’ve created our own modern-day gangs run by the most elite internet gangsters and brands. I see us continually fighting each other, putting each other down and not celebrating our wins as a whole. Some of us want to see our culture progress while some of us don’t want any change at all! We stay divided. 

Ironically and the point of this whole rant is, we spend so much time being internet gangsters fighting ourselves and retaliating against one another and other injustices via our Twitter fingers that we miss the most important thing of all, which is taking real action to help our communities. The reality is, most of us (not all) are all bark no bite! For those of you who are active on the internet and in real life, I salute you! #SiSePuede 

I’m not saying we all need to be the same or for that matter have the same beliefs, but we should respect each other and at least agree on one thing...we need to do more for our people. I understand that bringing awareness to things online is beneficial in so many ways, but it can only go so far. We have to do more. 

I am vouching to personally do more. I am extremely passionate about our farmworkers and fighting for their rights. Aside from donating, I plan on digging deeper into how I can be a voice for them and use my privilege to help. I am also passionate about prison reform and the rehabilitation of inmates, especially for our Black and Brown brothers and sisters. We need to remember they are human and everyone deserves love and a second chance. 

Lastly, ensuring our Black and Brown at-risk youth get educated and have all the resources they need to succeed is a major priority for me! I want to not only donate to this particular cause, but be a mentor and someone these kids can lean on for guidance and support. As a former at-risk youth, I understand the struggle it takes to succeed. I used to do speaking engagements to tell my story at various schools back in San Jose all of the time, but completely dropped the ball. I need to get back on it here in LA! 

If you were born in the US, you are privileged. We all may have not been born with the same resources, but we have freedom of choice to make our lives whatever we want them to be. We have freedom that so many immigrants wish they had. Don’t take it for granted. 

It’s easy to ignore the many issues that haunt our communities. It’s easy to just focus on your family and your journey, but I want to encourage you to do more. Seek out organizations you can help. Below are a few of my suggestions, but also check out what’s going on in your local hood. I’m currently searching for more at-risk youth programs in LA. If you know of any let me know! Don’t just fight online. Be a real fighter and remember, if we just sit around and do nothing…then we really are nothing. 

Orgs I Am Currently Interested In Helping :

United Farm Workers Association 

Farm Worker Justice 

Border Angels 

Raices 

Cedar Tree

Los Angeles Room and Board 

FIRST BLOG POST OMG - FOR ALL MY LATE BLOOMERS! NOW IS THE TIME!

Never in a million years did I ever think I would live through a pandemic quarantined in my home. I’m sure many of you are thinking the same thing. It’s really hard to accept this new reality. I’m not sure I really have. There is a part of me that thinks this will go away soon, while another part of me is preparing for the worst. 

Will this Coronavirus affect anyone I know? Will I lose anyone I love? How can I help others who are less fortunate than me during this time? The list of questions and worries that run through my head are endless. It’s overwhelming and as a person who struggles with severe anxiety, I needed an escape from all of this madness. Writing is my escape. 

For the past two years I’ve been struggling with “really” launching my blog. Mainly because I doubted myself or was too afraid of what people would think of me. I don’t know about you, but there is something about the current state of this world that has pushed me into a state of fearlessness to pursue my dreams. We really do only have one life. How can we use this time of quarantine to dig deep inside of our souls and find the dreams we buried a long time ago?

You have them, I know you do. What are they? Why did you bury them? What made you give up? In the midst of all this sadness and uncertainty I want to believe there is a silver lining. There has to be some good that can come out of this for each of us. So with that being said, here is my first blog post. 

My dream is to be a successful blogger/writer. I want to connect with you, inspire you and be a light for you in this place of darkness that we are all in and feel so immensely. My hope is that through my writing and personal experiences, I can create bonds and relationships with people with whom I’ve never even met. I’m a novice writer. I’ll probably get so much wrong, but at this point I have nothing left to lose. So let me tell you a little bit about my struggle with pursuing my dreams. 

I’m a late bloomer. I always have been! I never do anything right the first time around and I’ve always watched everyone else fulfill their dreams first. Have you ever read the fable The Hare and Tortoise? If not , here is the link! It’s totally a children’s story BUT it’s also still a story we can learn from even as adults and something that came to mind when I decided to write this post. I’m definitely the tortoise and am sure many of you are too. 

My interpretation of the fable is we all aren’t running at the same pace in life, but it doesn’t mean we still can’t win the race or that we should give up when someone reaches the finish line faster than us! The problem is, most of us do.

It’s really easy to get sidetracked as you watch everyone from the sidelines accomplishing their dreams. You’re there rooting them on, but secretly wishing you could get it together and accomplish your dreams too. We all have dreams. We all have goals, but why is it so hard to reach them? Why do we talk ourselves out of pursuing what is in our hearts? Why do we just not believe in ourselves? 

We make things so much more complicated than they need to be. We compare our lives to others and tell ourselves we will never be like them for so many reasons. We think we aren’t smart enough, qualified enough, pretty/handsome enough, skinny enough, young enough...the list goes on right? I personally struggle with thinking all these things along with procrastination and laziness! 

I am the procrastination queen! Crown me with the title and all of its glory! You will catch me saying I am going to do all of the things and then five minutes later I’m engrossed in 90 Day Fiance and forget it I’m gone! There is no coming back for me once you get me in front of the TV! 

Instagram is also a deep dark hole, but I kind of love it! I’m extremely addicted to it! Does anyone else ever feel like you don’t even know how you picked up your phone and pressed the Instagram icon? It’s like you’re possessed or your brain has this weird power to log on to Insta without you really knowing it! Send help please! 

All kidding aside, when I say I am a late bloomer I really am! I’m a high school drop out! I don’t think anyone ever thought there was hope for me! I hated school. I thought I wasn’t smart. I was causing ruckus, hanging out with gangs and cutting school everyday to visit my boyfriend halfway across town. The cherry on top is, I was also actively trying to get pregnant at fifteen. Many people thought I was a lost cause...a loser with no future. My poor parents had their hands full. I don’t regret how I grew up. I regret the personal choices I made and the people I hurt. 

I could blame my fuck ups on the people I hung out with, my parents not giving me attention or the crazy, psychotic boyfriend I had in high school, but I won’t! I won’t because at the end of the day I made bad choices. Being young is not an excuse to say I didn’t know what I was doing. I knew exactly what I was doing. I just didn’t know how it would affect my life in the long run. 

When you’re young you sometimes lack the ability to see the future. I think it’s the one time we all actually live in the present. When you get older and become an adult you realize time is fading quickly and you now have to deal with the repercussions of the bad choices you made as a kid/young adult. You realize you’re the tortoise and everyone is passing you up! It’s really discouraging isn’t it? 

More so because half of us don’t even know who we are, who we want to be or what we want to do. On the outside it might look like some of us have done well for ourselves. We have good jobs and live a pretty comfortable life, but if you feel like something is missing it’s for a reason and only you know that reason! Now is the time to really explore these feelings and do something about it! So what if you’ve made a few bad choices...you still have time to make some right ones. 

My fellow tortoises there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The race to graduate from college was a race I never thought I could win! I did eventually end up graduating from college! I had to go to community college first, which is TOTALLY FINE! There is nothing wrong with community college! I had such an amazing support system there…seriously the best teachers, counselor and peers I could ask for! They were my angels sent from God and I couldn’t have done it without them. I did end up transferring to a university after three years. 

The struggle was real. It took me six years, which is two years longer than it takes the average person to finish their undergraduate degree. Even though the odds were against me, I still won that race! There is so much more to this story and I plan on digging deeper into it with you on another post. I went through so much during that period in my life. It was a very traumatic time for me and I do want to share in depth how it shaped my life and made me who I am today. 

I guess the question I have for myself is...if I could accomplish that why am I so afraid to pursue what’s next? I know the answer. I was so much more confident in my abilities back then because I was surrounded by people who uplifted me and believed in me. As soon as I started working in Corporate America that all changed for me. I lost my confidence because I was surrounded by a ton of people who I felt were far more successful and smarter than me...the former high school dropout. 

I crawled back into my shell and let the compare game mess me up! Our struggles will be different from one another, but the common denominator will be the choices we make to create change in our lives. I truly believe we are all capable of reaching our full potential. We just have to be brave enough to take the steps necessary to get there. 

In short, we all have a gift...a talent that God blessed us with. Deep down inside you know what that is. If you aren’t happy with where you are in your life, do something about it! Take this time in quarantine to reach for the stars! Don’t just play on Insta all day or watch TV! Take a break and even if you just sit in silence, reflect on what you really want in life and make it happen. Take the leap! Fall down and get back up! There are more races we need to win! 

Me finally posting on my blog is me following my dream. What is your dream? Share it with me! I want to know! I want to encourage you not to give up and to see the value you provide in this crazy life! Let’s do this together! Remember you are the only one who can make your dreams come true! There will be people along the way who will encourage you and inspire you, but it is you who holds the true power of your destiny. 

“The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential...these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence.” - Confucius